STRUGGLE BUS DRIVER: JORDAN
Welcome back reader! I meant to write earlier in the week, but the important thing is I'm making it happen at all. I hope that you've been relishing in the new year and doing what you can to better yourself and others. Naturally, one would think that with the New Year that I would write about New Years resolutions or the goals I have for 2020, however, I have a more pressing topic that I would like to address (not to mention I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions, but again...another post).
To start our post today, I would like to do some imagery with you reader. I'm going to describe as scene and as I begin to write, I want you to picture yourself in that scenario.
You've made the decision to eat healthier. You've been going strong for two weeks on rice, veggies, chicken, humus, and increasing your water intake. Lately you've been having a craving for some salty goodness. Salted nuts (keep it clean ya pervs ;) ) are the best bet for you to stay strong on your diet, however, you severely miss the crunch and flavor that a chip can provide. Each day that passes, your will weakens, but you're determined. You wouldn't buy it for yourself and you stay away from that aisle in the grocery store (despite looking back longingly as you walk away).
Your friend is having a party. It's the Super Bowl and you're all going to watch the game together. You've offered to bring the veggie tray because ya know, the diet. The day comes and there is a plethora of negative caloric temptations. The biggest of which to you is the chips and dip. You struggle for the first hour convincing yourself that you don't need it and you've made it this far. Your willpower must be stronger than that right?
After a couple of hard seltzers (you're trying to be healthy after all) you start to salivate at the thought of that sour cream and onion crispness that a chip can provide. You resign yourself to break your diet on the promise to yourself that it's just one chip. One chip isn't going to break your diet.
You take that first bite and the satisfying crunch and mouthwatering seasoning send the serotonin pulsating throughout your brain. You're having a food high. You're incredibly happy with yourself and you walk away steeling yourself to that promise of one chip. However, less than five minutes later, you find yourself back at the table grabbing a handful of chips to put on your plate. You convince yourself that it will be the only indulgence you have and that after the pile is done you're done.
Once again, you find yourself heading back to the food table for some broccoli, carrots, ranch, and....you guessed it, more chips. You attempt to validate your decision by telling yourself the vegetables cancel out your chip consumption and you'll go back to being good tomorrow.
Does this sound like a familiar situation reader? Have you found yourself succumbing to the tantalizing cravings of your brain and stomach? Whether or not you like chips, I'm sure you can equate this situation to some dubious addiction in your own lives. What I've come to realize in my own life is that my mind is the bag and negativity seems to be my chip.
Now reader, I can only hope that when you read that you either can A) agree with me or B) empathize with me. Either way I'll try to explain how I came to this analogy and how I'm trying to stay on my 'diet'.
The most recent example of this situation happened earlier this week. I had sent out a snapchat of my roommate and I's cats playfully fighting. The caption I added along to the snap was something to the effect of "and this is what I come home to *roll eyes emoji*.
One of my friends responded to this snap, stating I was overreacting and that's what cats do. I attempted to explain that I intended the snap as a joke and that I was just fed up with them fighting because I had to separate them about five minutes prior to the snap to protect my cat (she's about three months old and although the play fighting is fine, the older cat likes to get a little aggressive still).
My friend responded stating that I was overreacting and that one day I would be such a helicopter parent, and how she was just going to tell her kids to rub some dirt in it if things like that happened. Now, I was highly offended by this remark. Some background information as to why a comment like this would be so upsetting to me is 1. I've never envisioned my life not being a mom 2. I consider myself to be very good with kids 3. I truly believe that I'll be a good parent with healthy boundaries and nothing like the helicopter parents you constantly see these days. I was also highly offended because I honestly was just trying to send the snap as a joke and it felt like my friend was completely blowing it out of proportion.
I became immediately angered and responded as such...and then I began to dwell on the negativity. Once I reached my hand into the bag for one 'chip', I couldn't stop. It was one negative thought after the other until my entire aura for the day had changed. I started thinking about how offended I was that she would directly insult something that I hold myself to a core and high standard for myself. I started thinking about how she always blows stuff like this out of proportion. How when she has a belief that is so strong that is contradicting or different to yours she just brushes it off, but then continues to judge you in silence (even if the issues been 'resolved'). I resented the fact that I continually feel like she looks down on me and feels like she has to coddle me because I'm not in a healthy state of mind and I haven't been for a while and she doesn't understand it. Needless to say reader, I was going down a dark thoughts black hole.
This is just one example of what I continually find myself in on a daily basis. An event occurs and you think one negative thought after the other until you've 'finished the bag' and feel awful about yourself for getting to the point of no return.
One question I've been asking myself lately is, WHY DO I ALLOW MYSELF TO DO THIS!? Why can't I just bounce back? Why do I take things so personally and just go down the spiral of dark thoughts and get defensive and then hurt the people I care about with my impulsive retaliation? Why can't I feel like me again?
Reader, I am no where near having the answer to all of those questions. What I can tell you is that awareness is the first step to recovery. I've been making an effort to recognize when I'm starting to 'stick my hand in to grab a handful of chips' with the hopes that by becoming more aware of when it happens I can start to plan and make decisions about what I can do to halt it in its tracks. Right now I can confirm that I've got a hell of a long way to go with this, but this is something that I need to do before I burn bridges with the people I care about and before I burn the bridge with myself.
For now, I appreciate you (if there are in fact any of you out there) allowing for this opportunity to vent and get it off my chest. By putting it on here, I'm putting it out into the universe and making it a real thing so that I'm more accountable for making it happen. Thank you as always for being my sounding board and I look forward to the future endeavors we will tackle in 2020.
Happy New Year Reader and don't forget to make someone smile today! :)
Until next time!
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A millennial with a need for an outlet. I write about whatever is inspiring me in the moment.