STRUGGLE BUS DRIVER: JORDAN
Not Willing to Settle
"After all this time?"
Good afternoon, morning, or evening reader. Confused with how I started this post? Let me fill you in. Throughout the Harry Potter series we are lead to believe that the character, Severus Snape, is an evil, egotistical, grudge holding villain\. Those who are truly fans grow to really loathe him and secretly hope for his demise as the books progress. It is not until we near the end of the books that we discover the true nature and significance of his presence.
You see, Severus Snape had grown up falling in love with his childhood friend. At one point she may have almost loved him in return, but through circumstances and life choices this woman went on to become Harry's mother. Despite no longer being romantically available, Snape's feelings do not cease to exist. He cannot turn them off like a light switch, and they ultimately lead to his converting his true loyalty from Voldemort forever.
While Snape struggled to hide his true bias against Harry because of his father, he did everything in his power to do right by Lily in her death. Protecting her child and working against the return to power of the Dark Lord, We arrive at the pivotal moment in his story while observing his memories through the pensive. When Dumbledore reveals that Harry must die for Voldemort to cease to exist, Snape becomes emotional. Dumbledore asks if he's actually grown to care for Harry, to which he responds with a patronus that is the same shape Harry's mothers was. Following with the quotation we see at the beginning of this post.
Those words prove that Lily Potter was the meaning and purpose behind all of Snape's actions. She was his one and only true love and even in death, she motivates him to do the right thing and be his best person. He could have created a life with someone else, but his love for her was more significant and powerful than settling for the "next best thing."
Obviously this situation is highly unrealistic in real life, but it has still managed to catch my hopelessly romantic heart. It is human nature to want to be connected to others, but it is stories such as Snape that make me long for that relationship that is wholehearted and all encompassing.
To switch gears a little reader, let me give you some background for how this search has gone for me. I have had three boyfriends in my entire lifetime. Two of which were back in high school, and then one very serious boyfriend in college. Due to how the college relationship ended, I have developed some insecurities such as difficulty allowing myself to be vulnerable around people, trust issues, struggle to accept love from others,and an immediate/unintentional categorizing of people into the friend zone. This has ultimately culminated in my being single for six years.
Usually when I tell people that information they get that big-eyed shock face and just ask, "How!?" or "WHAT!? Why?" Reader if I knew that I probably wouldn't be single. ;) That isn't to say I haven't had opportunities. The closest I came to being a relationship during that time was probably right as my relationship in college was falling apart. I met a truly remarkable human being and I'll admit reader I screwed that one up. I was young, naive, and scared. I had the opportunity to start something new, but I remained with what was comfortable and it came back to bite me in the ass. Maybe this is why I struggle to turn down life opportunities now, because when I did I got burned.
During the six years, I have created a defensive mechanism joke to deflect from the insecurities I have about this situation. If you've had any conversations with me, you've probably heard me say "reasons why I'm single" at some point. I use this frequently when I do something weird, screw something up, or as a way to diffuse how uncomfortable real talks about why I might be single emerge. The joke has surprisingly caught on with others in my life. My family, friends, and certain outspoken coworkers or acquaintances will also use it when I've done something out of the norm. It has gotten to the point where I've legitimately contemplated writing a book to document all the reasons I'm single on several occasions.
Not only do I keep my mind in that "reasons why I'm single" mode to protect myself, but I also am naive to or reject attempts made by guys to try to 'make a move' on me. I have had three guys pull the "what are we" card on me during the past six years. Every time this question has caught me off guard. When I unintentionally put people in the friend zone my mind doesn't really consider an alternative. This results in an awkward conversation, a reconsidering on my part, and then an embarrassing rejection when I start to explore the possibility of a relationship with that person.
I also have a tendency to reject what has become of dating and pursuing of a person in the 21st century. I don't desire to meet someone at a bar, I refuse to try tinder, and I have no interest in talking to multiple people at one time. I'm not the type of person to mess around, I don't tolerate or play games, and I'll call you on your bullshit early. These don't tend to be things that cultivate in relationship opportunities.
Recently I had a friend tell me that all the people she's introduced me to also have questioned my singleness. "How is she single, I don't get it?" I've had a lot of time to think about these questions recently. Other than the awkwardness of my personality and the struggles I've already mentioned, there seems to be one reason that really encompasses why I have remained single all these years. I refuse to settle. I don't have a laundry list of characteristics that someone has to meet, but I do have standards for how I will be treated. This isn't to shut down anyone who potentially wants to date me, but it is a respect I have for myself. I'm not interested in messing around. I don't have time to waste playing games. I'm okay with being single if it means waiting for a relationship that enhances, compliments, and challenges my life rather than suffocate and tear me down.
Reader, I am not a saint. I do have moments of insecurities where I wonder if I will ever find someone. I question if I screwed up an opportunity in my past to find true happiness. I stress about the fact that I've always pictured my adult life with getting married and having children. However, with all the anxiety and doubts about it ever happening, I still hold strong to my integrity to find someone that will be exactly what I didn't know I was looking for.
I hope that you too reader realize and understand how amazing you are. I hope you know that you deserve to be treated with the upmost respect. I hope that you find that person that isn't going to provide you with all rainbows and butterflies, but challenges you and pushes you to be your best person. We all deserve the type of person that will be your 'always,' and I hope you too don't settle for anything less.
As always I thank you reader! :) Don't forget to make someone smile today! I have football to watch now, but I hope we meet again soon! Until next time.
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A millennial with a need for an outlet. I write about whatever is inspiring me in the moment.