self Love > all

Happy Valentine's Day Reader! Historically I have been a person who absolutely loathes this holiday. Having a holiday that profits on the concept of love and pressuring/guilt tripping significant others into purchasing extravagant gifts is nauseating. Truthfully, even when I was in relationships I hated the idea of being forced into displaying my love on this set day for commercial purposes. In the 365 days of the year, why should this one day be the day where you have to show how much you love your person? Can't it be like any surprise Saturday or Tuesday in June? 
Truthfully, part of me is a bit cynical about the whole lovey dovey thing. After some self-reflection, I think that some of my aversion to this day is due to the fact that I'm kind of jealous. This is the first year in a while where I've been able to objectively look at the Valentine's Day posts from friends, strangers, and acquaintances where I haven't been green with jealously. Having that disgusting self-loathing pang in my gut wondering why I can't have that and instead being happy to see everyone else celebrating their love. I don't feel like my aversion to this day is completely based in my jealously of it because truthfully I stand by my thoughts that if you love someone you can show them on any day, but I am less judgmental of those who utilize the holiday as a way to set aside a for sure day/night to celebrate their union as significant others. 
What I've done on past Valentine's Days to help myself feel better about the holiday was to get gifts for my friends and convince myself that if I had any love in my life, then I needed to celebrate it. I think the beneficiaries of those gifts enjoyed and appreciated them, but I also felt like there was some pity associated with the gift giving. I still enjoy the concept of giving your friends/cared ones gifts and letting them know how much you care for them, but in my experience...a romantical holiday assigned to couples is not the time to do so. Although, I will never discourage you from sharing how much someone means to you because life is too short for that shit not to be expressed!
If I haven't told this part of my story yet reader, let me give you some background. When I was in high school, I had this image of my life. I was going to college, meet the love of my life, and walk out of college with a fiancé, and the tools to start a family within two years of graduating...jokes on me! Life did not go this way for me at all. I had a pretty serious boyfriend for two years who shattered my heart and broke me as a person.
I spent the following years in college closed off, and skeptical. I declined offers of dating and slowly single life just became my thing. I haven't been in a relationship since 2012. Have there been opportunities? Yes. Have I wanted to stay single? Yes and no. Have I tried going on dates? Yes. Meeting people organically? Yes. Meeting people through dating apps. Yes :I.  Have I fallen for people since? Yes, the wrong ones haha. Do I fear I'll be alone forever? Sometimes? What do I picture the rest of my life to be like? Truthfully, I've never pictured my future or life not having a family or finding love (thanks Disney ;) ) 
These past four to five months, I've had a LOT of time to self reflect and think about this topic, and there are a few takeaways I can share. 
1. SELF LOVE! It may sound cliché, but this is the big numero uno of where I think most people (myself) need to develop to have a successful relationship. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times, "You can't love someone until you learn to love yourself." By learning to love yourself, you learn your boundaries. You learn self-respect and how you deserve to be treated. You set the standard for how others treat you by how you treat yourself. You become more confident and in doing so actually make yourself more attractive. You stop tolerating bullshit and honestly get better at seeing through it. You grant yourself grace and are able to treat others better and be a better person for others when you learn to love yourself. So how do you develop self-love? There are many ways to get started! One of the best things I think a person can do to help develop self-love is to start a daily positive affirmation practice. Positive affirmations are positive statements you say about yourself, your life, etc. Saying them at first can be awkward and feel phony, but there are so many studies out there where the continued use of positive affirmations is linked to increased self-esteem, confidence, and self-worth. 
2. EXPECTATIONS. Reader, leave your expectations at the door! I've told you what I expected my life to look like and while I still compare myself to my friends who did end up taking that route, I know that my life would be 100% different had it worked out that way. At this point I wouldn't sacrifice where I am and the adventure life has taken me on to go to that cookie cutter life I thought I wanted. However, when I say letting go of expectations, I'm also talking about the expectations you create for the people you go on dates with. I have the tendency to either plan out my future with a person or cut them off from future endeavors with them within a very short amount of time into trying to get to know them. This is a big no-no! Not only is it kind of crazy, but you're cutting yourself from fully living in the moment and being mindful of getting to know that person. If you want to give yourself the best shot of not getting ahead of yourself and truly giving the person a fair chance without walking down the aisle to them in your head, try to think of each date as an individual letter of the alphabet. Date 1 is letter A. We aren't skipping all the way to letter Z, we are getting to know this person in the moment. We aren't making plans ahead we are solely focused on what this person presents on date A and not what they might give me by date L. Now, this doesn't mean completely cut off plans of the future, but in those first few date scenarios really get to know the essence of that person before you determine if their husband/wife material or if they check all your non-negotiables. 
3. NON-NEGOTIABLES VS DESIRES. Speaking of non-negotiables, lets define what this exactly means. In relationships, there are traits/characteristics we'd like our potential partners to have. These can range from being taller, to being athletic, or a nerd, or loves animals, health conscious, generous, etc. What you, as a single individual need to do is figure out which of these traits fall under desirable or deal breaker. Is the fact that they are 6 foot five inches tall a plus? Heck yes! Would them not being that height make you not want to date them? I can't speak for you on what your deal breakers are, but for me, that isn't a requirement I would need. Just remember that no relationship you have will be perfect and while some people may get lucky in having all of their boxes checked in a significant other, chances are you'll likely be compromising in certain areas. You have to decide what is actually important to you in being with someone long term versus what would be nice to have. What is actually going to make you happiest long term? Green eyes or someone who puts in the effort to make sure you know you're loved? You have to make that call. 
Well reader, I'll leave the love advice there for right now. I hope that if you have someone today that you do let them know how much you care for them. If you don't have someone, I hope you let yourself know how much you love yourself. :) After all, you're stuck with you for the rest of life no matter what! Might as well learn to love what you've got!
Be someone's reason to smile today, even if that person is you! :)
Until next time!

Jordan