You are your own worst Enemy

Well hello everyone! I feel like I've been gone for weeks, when really it's only been a few days. I guess I've been doing that thing, ya know where you go out and live life. ;D 
I'm happy to report that since my last post, my mindset has taken a turn for the better. I have been holding true to my promise to initiate more and as a result my schedule has been filling up real fast. Having more things to do is great, and it reminded me of something that I already knew about myself, but had forgotten. When I'm busy, I'm happy. 
Now I'm sure you're thinking, "Well Jordan, if that is something you know about yourself then what the heck are you doing!? Get out there!" Well trust me reader, I know! There are so many things I love to go out and do or want to try, but sometimes I just can't. There's this unfamiliar weight in my chest and something that just holds me back. Sometimes the motivation isn't there. Sometimes I feel like I'll be an intrusion on the lives of others. Sometimes I have every intention of doing something and even make plans, then the time comes and I physically cannot bring myself to get out of my bed let alone my apartment. 
A question I often get from friends when speaking about this issue is, "Why are you feeling this way?" Honestly, I have no idea. Often times there just doesn't seem to be an answer, but how does one explain that to someone else? How do you make a person understand something you don't fully comprehend yourself? 
This of course isn't to knock on my friends at all. I love and appreciate the fact that they are trying to be there for me. I can't thank them enough for the support I receive (especially the ones where it's long distance). However, occasionally you can't fully figure something out unless you've experienced it.
That being said, I really wanted to use this post as a reflection opportunity. This has been a good week for me. I've been really cheerful, happy, and I've been getting out there while hanging out with people. Moving forward the question becomes, what keeps me from being like that all the time? What is different about this week, these days, these emotions than when I struggle to do anything except sleep?
Oh reader, it was quite the humble pie I consumed by coming to the realization that the issue is me. I'm the only person that has the ability to hold me back. I'm the only individual who can allow my thoughts and emotions to consume me in such a way that I feel incapacitated. If I want something to change, I sure as heck can't wait for a knight in shinning armor to whisk me away. Only I have the power to turn my desires into a reality. 
Now this isn't to say that I don't expect to never have bad days. It would be incredibly unrealistic to think all my days are going to be sunshine and rainbows. However, I do believe that I have the power to have a lot more days that are just dandy once I stop being my own worst enemy.
So what causes me to fight so hard against myself? How do I stop my brain from going into overdrive with every situation I find myself in? When will my insecurities stop controlling me? Why can't I just be the confident, self-assured, out going person that I know I can be all the time?
Reader, I would love to just dive into all of these questions right now, but we're going to have to take a rain check on this conversation. Yours truly is trying to stick with a health promise I made to myself and I've got to get up at 4:30 AM to go to the gym. In the meantime, know that I am upholding my end of our bargain and I am not disappointed by it. I hope you have a wonderful night, day, morning, whenever you read this and don't forget to make someone smile. :) To be continued...